I'm Sorry

I have a diary. It isn’t Hello Kitty with a little heart shaped lock or anything, but I have one. It’s with me at all times. I write in it nearly every single day, multiple times. I write my hopes and dreams, my prayers, my fears, and letters to myself. Most of the time the letters to myself manifest themselves into the words I need to hear. They are fashioned in the vein of just telling myself the truth. You’ve actually seen one here before when I wrote a letter to my four year old self. I’ve been writing a lot of these to myself the last few weeks.

As I was writing yesterday I had a moment where I realized that when I write here, to you, in fact I am also writing to myself. I am writing what I need to hear, and hopefully some of it is what you need to hear as well. I crave the truth in my life. I google articles all the time looking for truth for the moment. I need the facts so I can stop with the feelings. I need to know it’s ok to feel like I do.

So here’s the truth, life isn’t always easy.

Don’t leave. I know you already know that, but I want to say that life isn’t always easy, and that’s ok. It doesn’t always have to be, and you don’t always have to be ok. You don’t always have to be in control. You are allowed to struggle. You are allowed to be angry and have questions. We are allowed to stumble.

I’ve been a believer since I came out of the womb. I’m sure when I was born there was some kind of praise to the Lord exalted for me and my life. And it has been in me and through me my whole life. I was the girl who stuck Bible verses in her friend’s lockers in high school every single morning because I wanted people to know the truth. My faith, my Jesus, is what has been my constant always. And I believe, even still, that He is all I need. I believe it - I just don’t always feel it or act like it though. Especially when things don’t look like I want them to.

I have had so many doubts lately. So many questions about what I’m doing. What my purpose is. Why this? Why that? There isn’t a question I haven’t asked. And I started feeling really bad about it because those questions were leading me to do things, say things, feel things, and think things that were causing me to act out in ways that were not familiar. In ways that were possibly representing myself in a light that were misunderstood and confusing. It has made me less than attractive. All of this is such a learning process. Every hurt takes us down a different road. Every victory does as well. Every single day and every single situation opens a new door and we have to walk through it.

You know the phrase, “Hurt people, hurt people”? I used to think that only referred to the way bullies treat people. And although it does, I have found myself hurting others lately without even realizing it. I have seen my tongue become a sword in moments when I see someone living the life I wish I was. My sarcasm has been painful to some, and my reactions too blunt. I see it. And I am so sad about it. And I am so sorry for it. And I just wish I could fix it all and take it all back. I love to love. It is what I do the very best in life. It fuels my soul in a way that I cannot even explain, but when that gets wounded I wound myself and others. And oh, my sweet friends, I am so very sorry. My sorrow is so deep. Please forgive me.

I wrote an email to my Anj (AKA - my therapist) earlier this week and she responded with something I’ve sunk my teeth into. She said, “I don’t have an easy answer for where you are. Just the truth that it is ok, God is ok with our questions, doubts and even mistrust of Him. I recommend returning to whatever shred of truth you still hold to, that is enough.”

Oh the sweet salve this was for my soul. It is ok, y’all. All of this is ok. It is ok to doubt and have questions and to not be perfect. The people who love you will love you through it, and no matter what you may think, the Lord loves us all even when we divert our eyes from his. He is always there when we return.

Dear Krystal,

You are not a lost cause. You are not a disappointment. You are forgiven and so very loved.

I love you,

Krystal