I bet y'all think I post everything I think, don't you? Like I just vomit all my thoughts and words out on these pages. Well, my darlings, you would be wrong. I have hundreds of pages of words that never see the light of day. In fact, this one I almost would rather not ever be seen, but for some reason I cannot NOT post this. I've literally woken up in the middle of the night thinking about sharing these thoughts for the last few weeks. It won't leave me alone. These words have been crafted over a period of time. Not just on the spot today. And because I feel prompted, I'm putting them out there.
Hitting post on this one is hard. I realize the criticism that might come. I realize what people might think, and I understand the weakness it shows in my life. But I am just doing what I feel like I need to do. It it were up to me, I'd fade off into the background never to be seen. Honestly. But the Lord didn't make it like that. He made me like this. And of all the things happening in my world right now, I embrace me. As I am.
As always, I am not looking for answers or sympathy. Nothing written here is directed at anyone or any circumstance. I wish I didn't have to do a disclaimer, but I do. The internet is crazy good and bad, so I'm just writing what is on my heart in hopes that someone might need these words. That's always why I do this. This is my way of hopefully reaching that one person who thinks they are alone. This is my way of not internally combusting.
I've been really struggling lately. Like REALLY struggling. In a way I never have before. Like straight up wrestling match struggle. And I'm not good at wrestling, if you didn't know that already. This is a faith struggle. I've been a believer my whole life. Grew up in a Christian home. Have stood firm on my faith every single day of my 36 years on this earth. I know without a doubt that Jesus is the Son of God and He is the one and only way to heaven. That he died for me and for you so we could live our lives here on earth and also in heaven with him forever. These are things I KNOW. And these are things that I have found such strength in. This is where I've stuck my boots in the concrete and have stayed planted firm.
But lately there has been a really big battle going on in me. A battle for my heart. And it is really the worst. It isn't elegant or pretty. It's cutting deep and is changing me. At this point, I don't know what the outcome will be.
"What happened, Krystal?"
What happened? A lifetime of disappointment happened. Prayers I have been praying for decades are still not answered. Hopes and dreams have been left to wither and die. Hope that it will all be different this time. Attempts to change have failed. I feel, right now, like a failure. In every aspect. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I'm just being honest.
I'm too nice. I see the best in people even when they don't want me to. And that hasn't gotten me anywhere good. It always leaves me hurt, [very] quickly replaced, and forgotten.
I am screaming at the Lord in constant prayer with little to no answers. And it is heartbreaking. My heart is broken. His silence is more disappointing than any human disappointment. Attempt after attempt to be more than I am has failed. Attempt after attempt to want the Healer more than the healing have failed. I do the things I don't want to do. I say the things I don't want to say. I feel the way I don't want to feel. And now I am tired. I am alone and I am tired.
And I want to know where God is. I want to know why it has to be this way. I want to know what I need to do to fix it. I want to know how to be still and know. I want to know that he is bigger and greater than all of this. But right now it doesn't feel like that. It feels hopeless. Have you ever felt like that?
I know the truths of the Bible. I read them every day. I keep thinking that the lightbulb will turn on one day. But sometimes, like right now, those truths feel like a blanket that covers everyone, and it doesn't feel personal to me. And I need something personal right now. I know he has plans for me "... plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans for hope and a future." but that also is true for you too. And I'm being terribly selfish right now and I need something that is just for me. And I feel terrible about needing that.
Maybe I'm the only person who struggles with this. I always like to think I'm not, but maybe I am. And if I am then I'm just talking to myself here and looking like a crazy person (which wouldn't be unusual). Or maybe this is my prayer to the Lord. A very public prayer.
I'm half hope, half heartbreak at this point. I don't have any clue what he is doing, and that is exciting and disheartening all at the same time. Sour and sweet. And I have no solution other than prayer.
Our pastor today told us to pray the impossible prayers. Things we think can't be recovered, pray for those things. So I'm just going to keep on doing that. Because it's all I have at this point, and maybe that is what faith really is. Maybe this is faith. It's uglier than I thought it would be if it is.
I was thinking about an old song I used to sing when I sang. The song says:
My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I'll stand on grace
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief (and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make all of this beautiful and for your glory). Amen.
Hitting post on this one is hard. I realize the criticism that might come. I realize what people might think, and I understand the weakness it shows in my life. But I am just doing what I feel like I need to do. It it were up to me, I'd fade off into the background never to be seen. Honestly. But the Lord didn't make it like that. He made me like this. And of all the things happening in my world right now, I embrace me. As I am.
As always, I am not looking for answers or sympathy. Nothing written here is directed at anyone or any circumstance. I wish I didn't have to do a disclaimer, but I do. The internet is crazy good and bad, so I'm just writing what is on my heart in hopes that someone might need these words. That's always why I do this. This is my way of hopefully reaching that one person who thinks they are alone. This is my way of not internally combusting.
I've been really struggling lately. Like REALLY struggling. In a way I never have before. Like straight up wrestling match struggle. And I'm not good at wrestling, if you didn't know that already. This is a faith struggle. I've been a believer my whole life. Grew up in a Christian home. Have stood firm on my faith every single day of my 36 years on this earth. I know without a doubt that Jesus is the Son of God and He is the one and only way to heaven. That he died for me and for you so we could live our lives here on earth and also in heaven with him forever. These are things I KNOW. And these are things that I have found such strength in. This is where I've stuck my boots in the concrete and have stayed planted firm.
But lately there has been a really big battle going on in me. A battle for my heart. And it is really the worst. It isn't elegant or pretty. It's cutting deep and is changing me. At this point, I don't know what the outcome will be.
"What happened, Krystal?"
What happened? A lifetime of disappointment happened. Prayers I have been praying for decades are still not answered. Hopes and dreams have been left to wither and die. Hope that it will all be different this time. Attempts to change have failed. I feel, right now, like a failure. In every aspect. I'm not trying to be dramatic. I'm just being honest.
I'm too nice. I see the best in people even when they don't want me to. And that hasn't gotten me anywhere good. It always leaves me hurt, [very] quickly replaced, and forgotten.
I am screaming at the Lord in constant prayer with little to no answers. And it is heartbreaking. My heart is broken. His silence is more disappointing than any human disappointment. Attempt after attempt to be more than I am has failed. Attempt after attempt to want the Healer more than the healing have failed. I do the things I don't want to do. I say the things I don't want to say. I feel the way I don't want to feel. And now I am tired. I am alone and I am tired.
And I want to know where God is. I want to know why it has to be this way. I want to know what I need to do to fix it. I want to know how to be still and know. I want to know that he is bigger and greater than all of this. But right now it doesn't feel like that. It feels hopeless. Have you ever felt like that?
I know the truths of the Bible. I read them every day. I keep thinking that the lightbulb will turn on one day. But sometimes, like right now, those truths feel like a blanket that covers everyone, and it doesn't feel personal to me. And I need something personal right now. I know he has plans for me "... plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans for hope and a future." but that also is true for you too. And I'm being terribly selfish right now and I need something that is just for me. And I feel terrible about needing that.
Maybe I'm the only person who struggles with this. I always like to think I'm not, but maybe I am. And if I am then I'm just talking to myself here and looking like a crazy person (which wouldn't be unusual). Or maybe this is my prayer to the Lord. A very public prayer.
I'm half hope, half heartbreak at this point. I don't have any clue what he is doing, and that is exciting and disheartening all at the same time. Sour and sweet. And I have no solution other than prayer.
Our pastor today told us to pray the impossible prayers. Things we think can't be recovered, pray for those things. So I'm just going to keep on doing that. Because it's all I have at this point, and maybe that is what faith really is. Maybe this is faith. It's uglier than I thought it would be if it is.
I was thinking about an old song I used to sing when I sang. The song says:
My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I'll stand on grace
Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief (and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make all of this beautiful and for your glory). Amen.
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