Surrender

Surrender: cease resistance to an enemy or opponent and submit to their authority.

I just typed that and then sat and stared at it for a few minutes. To soak it in and understand it. Because I don’t surrender easily. And that is both good and bad. It’s good because if there is a problem, I’ll think of a solution. If something is broken, I’m going to fix it. I’ve always been this way. If I had a dollar for every electronic device I took apart, fixed, and put back together, I would have a good deal of money. I don’t like to give up until it’s fixed.

Unfortunately, most things in life that deal with emotions and people can’t be fixed. No matter how hard I try. No matter how many temper tantrums I throw. No matter how much I cry. No matter how much I yell at the Lord. No matter how much of a death grip I have on it. I can’t fix it. And it’s when I get to this point that I have to remember that I have to surrender. I have to hoist my little white flag of embarrassment and just surrender. And I’m not surrendering to the situation or to the people. I’m surrendering to God.

I don’t do that well. I’m terrible at it. I’m not even going to pretend I am. I’m the worst.

Honestly, I think I have the mentality of a toddler at times. Like if I just throw my body down in the middle of this grocery store aisle and kick and scream and cry THEN I’ll get that box of Oreo's I was told I couldn’t have. If I just fight hard enough, long enough, and loud enough THEN the Lord will just “poof” give me what I want.

But no matter how many times I do that it never works. Remember when I talked about insanity a few posts ago? Same thing. Doing the same thing expecting different results. Doesn’t work like that. Never will.

Yesterday I was reading a book a friend randomly sent to me with a note inside that said, “Keep breathing”. The chapter I was reading was about God being good when life isn’t. And I’ve heard it and I’ve lived it and I’ve overcome it, but sometimes we have to keep overcoming. So this chapter just struck me and made me think about how small of a view I have of my life. How this is just one page of a 1,000 page symphony. When looked at alone it looks wonky and weird, but when paired with the other pages it is a masterpiece.

So, I surrender. I’ll get up off the floor and stop pouting. I’ll wipe my eyes and breathe a big heavy sigh. I’ll release my grip on my desires. I’ll come to the feet of Jesus every second if I have to and declare my surrender. I’ll keep praying for what my heart desires, but I won’t hold onto it after. I’ll release it.

I have this mental picture when I do this. It’s me, putting tiny doll house size objects into a wooden milk crate and putting them over to the side of where Jesus sits. I can look at them once they are in there, but I cannot touch them because they are not mine anymore. I cannot go get them again. They are there and they are safe and the Lord will take care of them. It isn’t my job to worry with them anymore.

I don’t know what you’re holding onto or fighting for, but I hope you too can find some surrender. Keep fighting for what is good in the appropriate way, but release that death grip on the things you cannot do anything about. I’m talking to myself here too. Preaching to the ole choir, if you will.

I know it’s easier to type these words than do them. I know this is going to be an uphill battle, but for me, if I’m going to fight for something right now, it’s going to be for freedom.

I think this is where peace is found. I think there is freedom there. I hope there is. I think this is when the Lord really starts to work because, well, I actually let him. He is waiting on us. He is waiting on me. He has been all along.