All My Single Ladies

I want to talk about something I don’t want to talk about. Man, I’ve been putting this off out of selfish reasons and out of “I care too much what you think about me” reasons, but I want to be able to use the time I’m walking through for some purpose. I don’t know what that purpose is, but I’m hoping this might be a part of it. People keep telling me this might be part of it. Apparently I'm honest and funny, so I'm just going to go with it.

Short story: Last year around this time I met the man I was going to marry. I loved that man. I still do. We had such a fun time together. Two peas in a pod. It wasn’t perfect (Which I was happy about. Perfect is a lie from the depths below.). I loved my life with him. Even when I didn’t love it, I loved it. We chose to love each other for 9 good months, until he chose to stop. And that was about 4 months ago. This isn’t a slam on him. He is a wonderful man and you can tell him I said that. A really wonderful man. That heart of his is unlike anyone I’ve ever known. One of my favorite humans ever. He had his reasons for leaving that I still don’t fully understand, but people have a choice about their lives, and he chose what was best for him. And I respect him and love him for it. This isn’t about him.

So, that’s the short of it. I’m 35 and single and unfulfilled and I’m crying as I type that because it hurts.

And that’s why I’m writing this, because I KNOW there are other single ladies out there with the same pain. And I want to bring it into the light. I think somewhere in us we feel like we have to pretend that we're ok. It's fine that we're single. It'll all work out. That what we are told to say. This isn’t about me, ok? This story isn’t about, “Poor Krystal. She is depressed. She needs help. Is she ok? She shouldn’t be so open about her feelings.” I know some of you Judgy McJudgersons are reading it thinking these thing and want to go ask my parents if I'm ok. I'm ok and I’m not stupid. And I’ve been Baptist my whole life so I’ve gotten pretty good at the whole judging other people thing. You can’t hide from me. I see you.

This is about me looking you beautiful single ladies in the eyes and saying, “I don’t understand it either.”

For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be married. I’ve wanted someone to come home to and laugh with and cry with and argue with. Someone to cook for and watch movies with and someone to tell to go do their own thing because I’m tired of them (wink). Just someone that I knew was never going to leave. Someone who would show me the love of Christ as he has commanded in his Word. That’s a desire deeply rooted in my heart.

But that desire hasn’t been fulfilled and it is very painful. Again, this isn’t about me! This is about me looking at you and saying, “I know what it feels like.” I see a lot of my friends married and I know marriage is hard, but that desire was fulfilled for them and I can’t help but ask myself why it hasn’t been for me? I know you ask the same question.

When someone leaves us, especially the older we get, the more we tend to ask ourselves why they left. Was I too much? Was I not enough? Did they not find me attractive anymore? Did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? Did I not love them well? Did I smell bad? Did they meet someone else? How long did they lie to me about how they felt? What don't I have that they wish I did? Etc.

These questions haunt me in the night. I cannot seem to fathom why the Lord continues to bring me down this path. And I know the church answers ….. I know he has something beautiful planned for me. Something that brings hope. Something better. I know that he knows what he is doing. I know that he wants me to focus on him. That this is a way to bring him back into focus. But he wasn’t out of focus. My last relationship brought Christ to me in ways I never knew possible. I know that this world isn’t my home and that I shouldn’t focus on the things here. I mean I could literally go on and on and on about all the things that I KNOW to be true about who the Lord is and his sovereignty. This isn’t about that (even though EVERYTHING is about the goodness of the Lord).

This is about the pain that still happens even when you believe. This is about the days when peace doesn’t come so easily. The days when we stand in front of the mirror and question our every skin cell. When we question every word out of our mouths. Every prayer that we pray. This is about the sadness and the tears and the boxes of Kleenex we go through. This is about the “I’m fine” texts sent to friends who ask how we are because we don’t want to burden them with the, “I’m barely hanging on” that we really feel.

I wish I could wrap this up in a pretty bow and say “It gets better” but I haven’t gotten to the better yet. So I’m just here standing with you in the “THIS SUUUUUCKS” with a box of tissues for us to share. I understand the knife pain in your heart. I understand the sleepless nights and the mornings you don’t want to get out of bed. I understand the, "What if it's like the for the rest of my life!!!" question.

I’m with you in the “I don’t understand” and the “Why not me?” I’m with you in the “Should I lose weight?” or “Maybe if I cut my hair?” I’m with you in the “I kinda just wish I could go somewhere far away and disappear” and the “Why is she better than me?” and the “Maybe tomorrow.”

I’m with you. I see you. And that’s what this is about. It isn’t just you.

So, I’m going to keep on keeping on even if I cry through all of it and I hope you will too (keep on keeping on, not cry). I hope we can find a spark of hope with each new day. I hope the Lord speaks loudly to us when we ask (right now I’m in radio silence, but that’s another story). I hope when you are your most alone you know someone somewhere else is wiping the snot from their nose right along with you.

So, this is about about you. It’s about you knowing that you are not alone. It’s about you feeling what you need to feel. Grieving how you need to grieve and not feeling like you have to “get over it”. It’s about you being ok just as you are, even if you feel broken. You are seen and understood.

This is about you knowing that.

xo