I finished the Netflix series, 13 Reasons Why, last night. I've been chewing on it the whole time I watched it because it hits close to home. The topic of bullying is always too close to home for me. As a victim myself, there are times where something as raw as this can remind me of those days in more vivid color than I'd like to remember. And the truth is, no matter how much I've healed, the scars are always there and do hurt from time to time.
I'm not going into the details of my situation because I've already written about it (click to read), but I do want to talk about some of the things I noticed from the show.
First, and most importantly, I want to say that although I have been in some of the deepest darkest places in life, I never wanted to end my life. Suicide was never something I contemplated. I always knew the Lord was holding me and had a purpose. That purpose felt very hidden, but I knew it was there. I always had a little hope. So this isn't about suicide. Also, my bullying was never like the girl on the show. One thing I have never been accused of being was a slut, maybe the opposite, but never a slut. (HA!) But bullying is bullying. No matter the subject matter.
Secondly, I am not a parent and cannot speak from a parent's point of view. I can't say what is best for you and your kids, but I can state my opinion and that is that kids should not watch this show. I believe seeds are planted in different places and in different ways and that they can grow and manifest in a good way or a bad way. I'm not sure what kind of seeds this show would plant in kids, what ideas they might get, how they might view suicide, or what glorification they might take away from it. Truthfully, I'd rather not find out. However, I think ALL parents should watch it. It is important to know what it looks like behind the scenes. Depending on your relationship with your kids they may or may not be telling you the whole truth. No matter how close you are to them they may not tell you everything in order to not disappoint you, feel judged by you, or to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. It's important to know that these things are going on, to understand (and love) the temperaments of your children, and to make sure your kids know they are unconditionally loved by you. I cannot state that point enough.
So now, to the victim, which I can very confidently speak. I believe everyone is bullied. I do. I think insecure people want to make other people feel bad so they can feel better. That's where it all takes root. People ask the question, "Why is it always people like me that get bullied? Why don't the other people get bullied?" Well honey, they do. They just don't let it get to them like we do. Those of us who are wired a certain way (which isn't a bad way) are just more subject to the side effects of it all. Insecure people are able to make other insecure people feel even more insecure. And thus, our problem begins. The confident friend of yours might have terrible things said to her, but her confidence and specific wiring acts like a shield. She doesn't let it soak in. She lets it bounce off and doesn't give it a second thought. The exact same things can be said to those of us with squishy feelings and we internalize it all for decades. We allow it to shape who we are. It's just science. I can see it that way now. But when I was in high school (and even into adulthood) I thought there was something wrong with me.
Which leads me to my next point for parents: While your sensitive kids are in the thick of being bullied, there is nothing you can say that is going to truly fix the problem. Once we begin to internalize it. Once it all starts happening. We just have to ride it out. All of my memories of high school are bad. I cannot think of one single wonderful thing said to me, but I can remember all the bad. But I assure you there were MANY wonderful things spoken to me and over me in high school. But all I could hear was the bad. I only believed the bad. It had gotten so deep inside of me that all I saw was someone who was terribly flawed.
So what can parents do? Just love your kids. Hug your kids. Tell your kids you trust them. Tell your kids you believe in who they are. Tell them you are sorry they are hurting. Don't try to fix it. Don't give them tips or pointers (because all we hear is, "This is the right way and your way is wrong."). Just love them unconditionally. Basically what that looks like is, "Hey honey, I know you don't feel confident in who you are. I know you are hurting. I know you are doubting who you are, but I love you in your doubt. I love you in what you think is a mess. I don't expect perfection out of you ever, and I trust that you are doing what is best for you. If I can do anything you know I'm here. Just know that there is nothing in all of the world that you can do that would ever make me turn my back on you or look at you with the same eyes the bullies do. You are not doing anything wrong. You are loved."
And then, keep an eye on your kid. Don't let it stop there. Don't over-parent, but don't ignore it either. Be an eagle eye without your kid really knowing it. Be involved in their lives in a healthy way. Engage in conversation that is not judgmental. Over-parenting can be just as bad as under-parenting. It's a fine line. But most of you are connected enough to other parents to keep an eye on it. Be in tune! And love the ever living heck out of your kids. Tell them they are enough. But if you see your child needs help, get them help. Know your kids enough to know what's going on. My parents did a good job at this.
For me, my biggest problem that came from being bullied was feeling like I was either too much or not enough. Sometimes my reaction to the bully was more dramatic than maybe someone else would be (I was a teen girl for Pete's sake) which made me feel like I was too much for everyone. For my friends, my parents, my peers, etc. And the bullying made me feel like I wasn't enough. If I had been enough I wouldn't be bullied, right? And unfortunately this is still something I deal with. So make sure your kiddos know they are enough. Just as they are. Perfectly created. Even when they have things they need to improve on, they are still enough in the process.
When your kids are bullied they think they are doing everything wrong. And I can say as a 35 year old that feeling sticks around to some degree. I'll just leave that there.
What can you do to prevent it? I don't know that you can. Most of it is just genetic make up. The only thing I can think is just empowering your kids to be confident in who they are from day one. To make sure they know you trust who they are at the core, and that they should in turn trust themselves.
And now moving on to the bully. Shame on you, but you too are insecure. And you are looking for a way to feel better. To have power. So, I am not saying it's right, but I get it. I get why you do it. People laugh at you. Your friends think you're funny. The popular kids hang out with you. But probably more than not they are hanging out with you for their entertainment. You are the butt of their jokes. But you see it as friendship. So the cycle just goes on and on. It's sad.
So parents, if your kid IS the bully. You need to know that. If someone comes to you and says that your kid is mistreating their kid. Take a look at the situation. Your kid might not be as well behaved as you think they are. And if you too are a bully, then I can't help you there. I have no tolerance for you. But the same goes, your kid is acting out for a reason. Love them. Believe in them. Try to figure out why they are doing this. Their world is just as miserable as the person they are bullying. They need the same love. Maybe if they were getting it from you, they wouldn't have to find it somewhere else?
Here's the thing, all I ever wanted in high school was one single other person to stand up for me. I wanted someone to stand up in the lunch room and tell the guy to stop cussing me out for no reason. I wanted someone to tell him to stop vandalizing my property and throwing things at me at school. I wanted someone to tell him to stop telling me I was ugly and sending me degrading emails. Just one person. But I guess everyone was afraid he would turn on them too. And I get that. But in 13 Reasons Why, Clay is that guy, but he's just too late. He stands up for her after she is gone. Encourage your kids to be the kids that stands up for people in the here and now when they see someone hurting. Simply because they are another living breathing human. Simply because everyone needs a champion. I think for me, that would have made all the difference.
I know this is a lot, but I just had to share my thoughts. Again, I know about all of this far more than I ever wanted to. I didn't chose it. But here I am. I survived it, some people don't.
Bottom line, be aware of what's going on. Help how you can. Be kind to people. Love people. Encourage people.
We are all in this together.
I'm not going into the details of my situation because I've already written about it (click to read), but I do want to talk about some of the things I noticed from the show.
First, and most importantly, I want to say that although I have been in some of the deepest darkest places in life, I never wanted to end my life. Suicide was never something I contemplated. I always knew the Lord was holding me and had a purpose. That purpose felt very hidden, but I knew it was there. I always had a little hope. So this isn't about suicide. Also, my bullying was never like the girl on the show. One thing I have never been accused of being was a slut, maybe the opposite, but never a slut. (HA!) But bullying is bullying. No matter the subject matter.
Secondly, I am not a parent and cannot speak from a parent's point of view. I can't say what is best for you and your kids, but I can state my opinion and that is that kids should not watch this show. I believe seeds are planted in different places and in different ways and that they can grow and manifest in a good way or a bad way. I'm not sure what kind of seeds this show would plant in kids, what ideas they might get, how they might view suicide, or what glorification they might take away from it. Truthfully, I'd rather not find out. However, I think ALL parents should watch it. It is important to know what it looks like behind the scenes. Depending on your relationship with your kids they may or may not be telling you the whole truth. No matter how close you are to them they may not tell you everything in order to not disappoint you, feel judged by you, or to avoid an uncomfortable conversation. It's important to know that these things are going on, to understand (and love) the temperaments of your children, and to make sure your kids know they are unconditionally loved by you. I cannot state that point enough.
So now, to the victim, which I can very confidently speak. I believe everyone is bullied. I do. I think insecure people want to make other people feel bad so they can feel better. That's where it all takes root. People ask the question, "Why is it always people like me that get bullied? Why don't the other people get bullied?" Well honey, they do. They just don't let it get to them like we do. Those of us who are wired a certain way (which isn't a bad way) are just more subject to the side effects of it all. Insecure people are able to make other insecure people feel even more insecure. And thus, our problem begins. The confident friend of yours might have terrible things said to her, but her confidence and specific wiring acts like a shield. She doesn't let it soak in. She lets it bounce off and doesn't give it a second thought. The exact same things can be said to those of us with squishy feelings and we internalize it all for decades. We allow it to shape who we are. It's just science. I can see it that way now. But when I was in high school (and even into adulthood) I thought there was something wrong with me.
Which leads me to my next point for parents: While your sensitive kids are in the thick of being bullied, there is nothing you can say that is going to truly fix the problem. Once we begin to internalize it. Once it all starts happening. We just have to ride it out. All of my memories of high school are bad. I cannot think of one single wonderful thing said to me, but I can remember all the bad. But I assure you there were MANY wonderful things spoken to me and over me in high school. But all I could hear was the bad. I only believed the bad. It had gotten so deep inside of me that all I saw was someone who was terribly flawed.
So what can parents do? Just love your kids. Hug your kids. Tell your kids you trust them. Tell your kids you believe in who they are. Tell them you are sorry they are hurting. Don't try to fix it. Don't give them tips or pointers (because all we hear is, "This is the right way and your way is wrong."). Just love them unconditionally. Basically what that looks like is, "Hey honey, I know you don't feel confident in who you are. I know you are hurting. I know you are doubting who you are, but I love you in your doubt. I love you in what you think is a mess. I don't expect perfection out of you ever, and I trust that you are doing what is best for you. If I can do anything you know I'm here. Just know that there is nothing in all of the world that you can do that would ever make me turn my back on you or look at you with the same eyes the bullies do. You are not doing anything wrong. You are loved."
And then, keep an eye on your kid. Don't let it stop there. Don't over-parent, but don't ignore it either. Be an eagle eye without your kid really knowing it. Be involved in their lives in a healthy way. Engage in conversation that is not judgmental. Over-parenting can be just as bad as under-parenting. It's a fine line. But most of you are connected enough to other parents to keep an eye on it. Be in tune! And love the ever living heck out of your kids. Tell them they are enough. But if you see your child needs help, get them help. Know your kids enough to know what's going on. My parents did a good job at this.
For me, my biggest problem that came from being bullied was feeling like I was either too much or not enough. Sometimes my reaction to the bully was more dramatic than maybe someone else would be (I was a teen girl for Pete's sake) which made me feel like I was too much for everyone. For my friends, my parents, my peers, etc. And the bullying made me feel like I wasn't enough. If I had been enough I wouldn't be bullied, right? And unfortunately this is still something I deal with. So make sure your kiddos know they are enough. Just as they are. Perfectly created. Even when they have things they need to improve on, they are still enough in the process.
When your kids are bullied they think they are doing everything wrong. And I can say as a 35 year old that feeling sticks around to some degree. I'll just leave that there.
What can you do to prevent it? I don't know that you can. Most of it is just genetic make up. The only thing I can think is just empowering your kids to be confident in who they are from day one. To make sure they know you trust who they are at the core, and that they should in turn trust themselves.
And now moving on to the bully. Shame on you, but you too are insecure. And you are looking for a way to feel better. To have power. So, I am not saying it's right, but I get it. I get why you do it. People laugh at you. Your friends think you're funny. The popular kids hang out with you. But probably more than not they are hanging out with you for their entertainment. You are the butt of their jokes. But you see it as friendship. So the cycle just goes on and on. It's sad.
So parents, if your kid IS the bully. You need to know that. If someone comes to you and says that your kid is mistreating their kid. Take a look at the situation. Your kid might not be as well behaved as you think they are. And if you too are a bully, then I can't help you there. I have no tolerance for you. But the same goes, your kid is acting out for a reason. Love them. Believe in them. Try to figure out why they are doing this. Their world is just as miserable as the person they are bullying. They need the same love. Maybe if they were getting it from you, they wouldn't have to find it somewhere else?
Here's the thing, all I ever wanted in high school was one single other person to stand up for me. I wanted someone to stand up in the lunch room and tell the guy to stop cussing me out for no reason. I wanted someone to tell him to stop vandalizing my property and throwing things at me at school. I wanted someone to tell him to stop telling me I was ugly and sending me degrading emails. Just one person. But I guess everyone was afraid he would turn on them too. And I get that. But in 13 Reasons Why, Clay is that guy, but he's just too late. He stands up for her after she is gone. Encourage your kids to be the kids that stands up for people in the here and now when they see someone hurting. Simply because they are another living breathing human. Simply because everyone needs a champion. I think for me, that would have made all the difference.
I know this is a lot, but I just had to share my thoughts. Again, I know about all of this far more than I ever wanted to. I didn't chose it. But here I am. I survived it, some people don't.
Bottom line, be aware of what's going on. Help how you can. Be kind to people. Love people. Encourage people.
We are all in this together.
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