My Purpose

At the end of last Summer and into the early Fall I was wounded by two different people in reference to my blog. One of those people I don't even know. The other I know very dearly. Either way, the words stung, and I decided that writing wasn't for me anymore. I didn't want people to come here and leave wondering if I was "doing ok." That was never the point of this blog.

So I took some time away and hid this entire site from the world. I was the only person that could see it. I sat with it and re-read most of the more recent or tender posts. I still read my own words sometimes and remind myself of who I am and where I have come from.

I kinda forgot about the blog for awhile but the writing never left me. Until about a month ago I decided not to post anything I had written. But I finally decided to post something new and it felt good, but I was still timid about it. I was careful with my words. Careful to sound upbeat and excited. I didn't want people wondering if I was "doing ok."

So before we go any further. I am ok! I am more than ok. Am I a mess? Heck yeah I am (so are you FYI). I am a beautiful, perfect, wild, and wonderful work in progress. And sometimes that wor in progress looks like a mess and sounds like a mess (at least to me it does). I want more for myself than who I am now. I don't want what is good, I want what is best, and I will fight for that even if it looks messy.

Feelings are not something everyone is ok with. I understand that more than anyone will ever know. Even though I have strong feelings that I am comfortable expressing, I understand the unsettling feeling some most people get when thinking or talking about feelings. I don't have one single ounce of judgement in my heart about that. You be you, my sweet darlings. I ask that you do the same for me, and not judge me.

But then there are people like me who have to get their feelings out or they feel like they will explode. I literally cannot stuff my feelings no matter hard I try. I've tried, and when it comes out it is a hilarious (after the fact) mess of scary and ugly things. It is better for me to express myself as I go along. It's just the way the sweet Lord made me.

And he made me for a purpose.

So that is where we are at here. My purpose.

It has been confirmed to be a few times over the last month that (and I quote), "God is doing something transformational in your life." And I confirm that myself as well. I know he is. How? Well first of all I have heard him tell me so. Secondly, the devil is doing some serious work. I am doing all I can right now to fight that little snake. (Get thee behind me Satan!)

What exactly is the Lord doing? I don't know. But it is something that is changing me. And part of that is understanding my purpose. I watch Kody (my boyfriend, for those of you new here) be passionate about music in a way I've never seen anyone be passionate about anything in my life, and I wonder where he got so much passion, and where then I wonder where my passion is? But before I can even ask the whole question, I know the answer. It's writing.

But writing has wounded me. People have judged me. How can I do it again after being hurt?

Well, I just do it. I sit here and type. I pray over the words before they are published and then I hit the publish button. Because this is me. This is what I was made to do. If one person comes here and can say, "Me too!" or "I needed to hear what you just said!" or if someone comes and laughs at something I've written, then my purpose has been fulfilled.

I believe I have a purpose on this earth and it isn't to sit behind a desk everyday and manage calendars. I believe I have something special that can speak to people in ways that might be hard for others. I believe my words matter and my heart matters. I believe you matter too.

So welcome back, friends. I truly hope you find a place of comfort here. Or a place that makes you think or feel or laugh. Feel free to share this with people you know. I'd love to talk to as many people as I can. Read back thorough old posts. Give me suggestions of things you'd like to hear about. Ask me questions. Let's be friends!

I look forward to this journey with all of you.

xo
Krystal