Am I A Nice Person?

Here’s what I’m struggling with right now in this very moment.

Am I a nice person?

I’ve had a few rough days with people that are a part of my life. I’ve been hurt and dragged into things I didn’t ask to be dragged into and I’ve reacted the only way I know how and the truth is that isn’t always the way people want. It’s not always the way I want, but it’s really the only way I know how to react when someone pushes something on you you didn’t ask for.

When I dream about who I want to be I am joyful and always kind. I am smiling and helpful. I don’t let anything get me down. I delight in serving others. I am strong and caring and a joy to be around. I appreciate the wonderful things in my life and have an excited spirit.

But that isn’t always what I see when I look in the mirror and honestly if I wasn't in a public place I'd cry my eyes out about it right now. 

I am set in my ways. I know what I want. I’m living a life right now that is wonderful but not ideal. I want to hide away and not deal with anything. I snap at people and push my opinions on them. I complain a good bit. I frown more than I smile. I am not always loving or kind. 

So to answer my own question, I don’t know. I don’t know if I am a nice person anymore. 

Or if I ever was.

Has life changed me or was I born like this? And do I have to change? Or is it ok to just be who I am? I'll ask my therapist about that next week. 

My heart aches. I want to be what I am not and so the daily struggle begins.

All I know to do is ask the Lord to change me. I don't think there is anything I can do to change myself. I will ask the Lord to change ME, not my surroundings or my circumstances, but me. Change me. Make me more like You, Lord. For You are kind when I am not. You are loving when I am not. You have joy when I have none. 

When I look more like you, I become what I am not. And that is who I want to be.