I've always based where my relationship with the Lord is off of my level of sin.
Let that sentence sink in for a minute. Roll your eyes, say to yourself, "Bless her heart" or whatever you need to do. Because if you said that and I was reading it I would do the same thing.
As sad as it is, it's the truth. Up until this point in my life my closeness with the Lord has been mostly based off of my actions. If I was doing things "perfectly" then my faith and my relationship with the Lord were amazing. If I was falling off the wagon then my relationship with the Lord wasn't great. In those moments I was always shaken and scared. I felt like there was a wall up between us.
I always viewed the area between perfection and destruction as the grey area. And I don't do the grey area, just so you know. I've always felt like the grey area was where hypocrites and liars lived. And I wasn't touching that with a 10 foot pole. I was either going to be hot or cold. NOT lukewarm.
I couldn't have been more wrong. And y'all, this is a new revelation for me, really new, like 3 days new.
First thing I want to address is "sin level". Let's all just have a good laugh at that. Because we all do it. We all think that certain sins are worse than others. You're probably asking yourself right now exactly which of the things on the list of sins you have in your head I've committed to even make me write this. You're doing it. I know you are. You want to judge me so you'll feel better about yourself. Stop it.
Let's get really real and remember that all sin is the same. Let's not forget that jealousy and hate or judgement and legalism are all also sins. Those are all right up there with murder and adultery. I'm not getting into specifics here, but let's make sure we understand that sin is sin is sin. And mine is no worse than yours or vice versa. My sin that you can't see is just as dark as someone sitting in a maximum security prison right now. It is.
Speaking of sin, we all do it. We always will. My aiming at perfection is laughable. I've lived my whole life with the hope that I could be perfect. Because if I am perfect than I will be blessed or loved. Goodness gracious what bondage to live in. This mindset has only left me time and time again in a deep dark pit of despair because, guess what? I will never be perfect! And neither will you.
And here's where the best part happens. Are you ready for this? If I can allow Jesus into my grey areas. If I can knock down that wall and invite him into my grey area, that's where he is going to transform my life the most. My hold up on this is that it doesn't feel like a place that Jesus would want to be with me. You know what I mean? Wouldn't he rather bask in the light of perfection with me? Nope. He just wants to be with me no matter where it is.
What I'm doing is finally surrendering to the fact that I am never going to be perfect and without him I am nothing no matter where I'm standing. When I can say, "I sinned and I don't feel bad about it because it made me feel good" and he can say, "I love you no less in this moment than I did when you were on your knees in prayer with me yesterday. I am not shocked by this." my life totally changes. You see what I mean?
That doesn't give me any excuse to sin. I'm not trying to dumb down sin. I'm just trying to get real about the pressure we put on ourselves and the reality of what that pressure does when we fail. The failure creates something in us that pulls away from the Lord instead of TO the Lord.
I feel like so many of my darling friends have completely abandoned their faith because they didn't feel like they were good enough. They couldn't do the "right" things so they just gave up all together. But my loves, that isn't what Jesus is about. Jesus is about meeting all of us right where we are. There is no "good enough". Can you understand that?
Do you see how life changing that is? When Jesus died on the cross, how many of our sins were in the future? All of them. And he did it anyways. He loved me in my grey area before I was even there.
So what I want to say is this, right where you are right now, Jesus loves you. If you are closer to him than you have ever been, he loves you. If you are questioning the faith that you were raised on because as an adult it scientifically doesn't make sense, he freaking loves you. You don't have to get it all right. You don't because you never will. He loves YOU.
I cannot even contain my excitement about this. Because it takes the pressure off of me and I'm taking the pressure off of you. You don't have to look or act a certain way for me to love you. I don't have to look or act a certain way for you to love me. And none of us have to look or act a certain way for Jesus, the creator of the universe, to love us.
That love transforms us into more Christlike looking creatures. Our actions change. Or thoughts change. But there will always be the grey areas.
The grey area is where grace is found. And that is exactly where I want to be.
Let that sentence sink in for a minute. Roll your eyes, say to yourself, "Bless her heart" or whatever you need to do. Because if you said that and I was reading it I would do the same thing.
As sad as it is, it's the truth. Up until this point in my life my closeness with the Lord has been mostly based off of my actions. If I was doing things "perfectly" then my faith and my relationship with the Lord were amazing. If I was falling off the wagon then my relationship with the Lord wasn't great. In those moments I was always shaken and scared. I felt like there was a wall up between us.
I always viewed the area between perfection and destruction as the grey area. And I don't do the grey area, just so you know. I've always felt like the grey area was where hypocrites and liars lived. And I wasn't touching that with a 10 foot pole. I was either going to be hot or cold. NOT lukewarm.
I couldn't have been more wrong. And y'all, this is a new revelation for me, really new, like 3 days new.
First thing I want to address is "sin level". Let's all just have a good laugh at that. Because we all do it. We all think that certain sins are worse than others. You're probably asking yourself right now exactly which of the things on the list of sins you have in your head I've committed to even make me write this. You're doing it. I know you are. You want to judge me so you'll feel better about yourself. Stop it.
Let's get really real and remember that all sin is the same. Let's not forget that jealousy and hate or judgement and legalism are all also sins. Those are all right up there with murder and adultery. I'm not getting into specifics here, but let's make sure we understand that sin is sin is sin. And mine is no worse than yours or vice versa. My sin that you can't see is just as dark as someone sitting in a maximum security prison right now. It is.
Speaking of sin, we all do it. We always will. My aiming at perfection is laughable. I've lived my whole life with the hope that I could be perfect. Because if I am perfect than I will be blessed or loved. Goodness gracious what bondage to live in. This mindset has only left me time and time again in a deep dark pit of despair because, guess what? I will never be perfect! And neither will you.
And here's where the best part happens. Are you ready for this? If I can allow Jesus into my grey areas. If I can knock down that wall and invite him into my grey area, that's where he is going to transform my life the most. My hold up on this is that it doesn't feel like a place that Jesus would want to be with me. You know what I mean? Wouldn't he rather bask in the light of perfection with me? Nope. He just wants to be with me no matter where it is.
What I'm doing is finally surrendering to the fact that I am never going to be perfect and without him I am nothing no matter where I'm standing. When I can say, "I sinned and I don't feel bad about it because it made me feel good" and he can say, "I love you no less in this moment than I did when you were on your knees in prayer with me yesterday. I am not shocked by this." my life totally changes. You see what I mean?
That doesn't give me any excuse to sin. I'm not trying to dumb down sin. I'm just trying to get real about the pressure we put on ourselves and the reality of what that pressure does when we fail. The failure creates something in us that pulls away from the Lord instead of TO the Lord.
I feel like so many of my darling friends have completely abandoned their faith because they didn't feel like they were good enough. They couldn't do the "right" things so they just gave up all together. But my loves, that isn't what Jesus is about. Jesus is about meeting all of us right where we are. There is no "good enough". Can you understand that?
Do you see how life changing that is? When Jesus died on the cross, how many of our sins were in the future? All of them. And he did it anyways. He loved me in my grey area before I was even there.
So what I want to say is this, right where you are right now, Jesus loves you. If you are closer to him than you have ever been, he loves you. If you are questioning the faith that you were raised on because as an adult it scientifically doesn't make sense, he freaking loves you. You don't have to get it all right. You don't because you never will. He loves YOU.
I cannot even contain my excitement about this. Because it takes the pressure off of me and I'm taking the pressure off of you. You don't have to look or act a certain way for me to love you. I don't have to look or act a certain way for you to love me. And none of us have to look or act a certain way for Jesus, the creator of the universe, to love us.
That love transforms us into more Christlike looking creatures. Our actions change. Or thoughts change. But there will always be the grey areas.
The grey area is where grace is found. And that is exactly where I want to be.
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