Usually when I say, "I quit!" I mean it in a derogatory or bratty way. Like, "Everything stinks! Life isn't fair! I quit!" But this time it's different. I'm saying "I quit!" in a way I haven't before. I'm quitting viewing myself the way that I have for the last 18+ years.
18 years ago I was 15. And although there was trouble brewing in my heart before this, around 15 was when it all really began. I had a certain guy in high school that bullied me constantly. To this day I'm confused about his actual feelings for me. I was told he was in love with me. I was told he hated my guts. Either way, he decided to make my life miserable. He said things to me that defined the way I have viewed myself ever since. Strangely enough I ran across a few floppy disks a few weekend ago (yes, I still had a way to open them) that had emails and AOL chat conversations saved on them from this guy and some of his friends. Why in the WORLD I saved such horrible things I'll never know. Because as I sat at 33 years years old, 15 years removed from high school, I felt all the same feelings I felt the first time I read them. I cried all the same tears. I felt sick to my stomach because I couldn't believe that I had let those words from a 15 year old boy shape me and mold me. I was embarrassed that I had allowed my heart to be so cracked that I let all the negative in and blocked all of the good out.
I sat with the disks for a couple of days trying to decide what to do. Ultimately I threw them away. I don't need a refresher course on any of that again, ever.
What it all made me realize is how easily I accepted the negative things about myself from this guy. I believed every word. He said I was ugly. I must be ugly. He said I looked like man. I must look like a man. He said everyone hated me. Everyone must hate me. What he said I was. I was. It all became my reality.
Since then, if anyone has tried to give me a compliment or speak ACTUAL truth into my life I dismissed it or thought they were just telling me those things out of pity. I never truly believed anyone who told me I was beautiful or funny or worth being around. I might have acted like I accepted it, but inside I was rolling my eyes and speaking the old lies over and over again.
Earlier this week my mom said to me, "Krystal, when are you going to start believing in yourself?" and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. That was it. I don't believe in myself and I haven't believed in myself since high school. How sad. How tragic.
So that's when I quit! I quit believing the negative. I quit thinking I'm not good enough or pretty enough. I quit and I am starting to accept the real truths in my life.
I read back through some emails and texts today that were filled with affirmations about who I really am. And I believed them. I bought a new bathing suit today and I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled instead of picking myself apart. I did something terribly embarrassing a few hours ago and instead of beating myself up I just laughed and moved on.
So to any of you who have tried to pour truth into my heart and I have dismissed it, forgive me. I didn't realize how damaged my heart was. I didn't realize what the real truth was. I didn't realize I was still holding onto the words a 15 year old boy said to me all those years ago. This will be a journey for me. I pray it is short.
I hope that I can fill my life with the truth of those who love me and the truth of the Lord's love for me. I hope I can discover a whole new life outside of these walls. How different my life will be now that I am living fully in the truth.
I quit!
18 years ago I was 15. And although there was trouble brewing in my heart before this, around 15 was when it all really began. I had a certain guy in high school that bullied me constantly. To this day I'm confused about his actual feelings for me. I was told he was in love with me. I was told he hated my guts. Either way, he decided to make my life miserable. He said things to me that defined the way I have viewed myself ever since. Strangely enough I ran across a few floppy disks a few weekend ago (yes, I still had a way to open them) that had emails and AOL chat conversations saved on them from this guy and some of his friends. Why in the WORLD I saved such horrible things I'll never know. Because as I sat at 33 years years old, 15 years removed from high school, I felt all the same feelings I felt the first time I read them. I cried all the same tears. I felt sick to my stomach because I couldn't believe that I had let those words from a 15 year old boy shape me and mold me. I was embarrassed that I had allowed my heart to be so cracked that I let all the negative in and blocked all of the good out.
I sat with the disks for a couple of days trying to decide what to do. Ultimately I threw them away. I don't need a refresher course on any of that again, ever.
What it all made me realize is how easily I accepted the negative things about myself from this guy. I believed every word. He said I was ugly. I must be ugly. He said I looked like man. I must look like a man. He said everyone hated me. Everyone must hate me. What he said I was. I was. It all became my reality.
Since then, if anyone has tried to give me a compliment or speak ACTUAL truth into my life I dismissed it or thought they were just telling me those things out of pity. I never truly believed anyone who told me I was beautiful or funny or worth being around. I might have acted like I accepted it, but inside I was rolling my eyes and speaking the old lies over and over again.
Earlier this week my mom said to me, "Krystal, when are you going to start believing in yourself?" and it all hit me like a ton of bricks. That was it. I don't believe in myself and I haven't believed in myself since high school. How sad. How tragic.
So that's when I quit! I quit believing the negative. I quit thinking I'm not good enough or pretty enough. I quit and I am starting to accept the real truths in my life.
I read back through some emails and texts today that were filled with affirmations about who I really am. And I believed them. I bought a new bathing suit today and I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled instead of picking myself apart. I did something terribly embarrassing a few hours ago and instead of beating myself up I just laughed and moved on.
So to any of you who have tried to pour truth into my heart and I have dismissed it, forgive me. I didn't realize how damaged my heart was. I didn't realize what the real truth was. I didn't realize I was still holding onto the words a 15 year old boy said to me all those years ago. This will be a journey for me. I pray it is short.
I hope that I can fill my life with the truth of those who love me and the truth of the Lord's love for me. I hope I can discover a whole new life outside of these walls. How different my life will be now that I am living fully in the truth.
I quit!
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