I’m just going to go ahead and warn you that this blog is
about to get really real. Really really real. So if you’re not up for real
right now then I suggest you walk away now.
I woke up at 2:00 this morning in tears. I don’t know if I had had a bad dream or what but I just felt so sad and lonely and scared. I had one of those moments where it felt like God was a million miles away from where I needed Him to be. I felt like he had abandoned me in my hurt and sadness and quite frankly it made me sad.
I stayed awake for a probably another hour just talking to God about my real and true feelings.
I feel like I can’t do anything right. That I must be doing everything wrong. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I speak when I should be quiet. I talk about myself when I need to let other talk about their lives. I try too hard. I don't try hard enough. I guess I just feel like if I was doing it all right things would be going as I had hoped. I know this isn’t the way it all is but it just FEELS this way sometimes.
I want to be real about all of this and say that my whole life isn’t rubbish. I don’t feel that way. But there are parts of my life, at times, that weigh on me like a trillion pounds. And frankly I don’t think I’m strong enough to carry it sometimes.
My heart’s cry at this time in my life is simply this .... If what I feel in my heart isn’t God’s will for my life than I am begging him to change my heart. I am begging him to change my feelings.
T hese are the most real moments of my life. These are the
moments that typically I would hide away so no one would see because I’m afraid
my whole life will be judged by my sadness instead of my triumph. I hope
everyone knows me well enough at this point to know that I know God is
faithful. I know he will provide. I trust him and honor him and fear him. But
that doesn’t mean there aren’t hard times. And this is just a hard time.
" For when I am weak .... then I am strong." -2 Corinthians 12:10
I woke up at 2:00 this morning in tears. I don’t know if I had had a bad dream or what but I just felt so sad and lonely and scared. I had one of those moments where it felt like God was a million miles away from where I needed Him to be. I felt like he had abandoned me in my hurt and sadness and quite frankly it made me sad.
I stayed awake for a probably another hour just talking to God about my real and true feelings.
About how hurt I felt and how alone I was.
I explained to him how invisible I feel sometimes. How unimportant. I’ll be
honest (because I usually am), there are moment I don’t feel like God cares. I
feel as if no matter how much I pour my heart out to him he is just silent. And
the silence is terrifying.
I feel like I can’t do anything right. That I must be doing everything wrong. I say the wrong things at the wrong times. I speak when I should be quiet. I talk about myself when I need to let other talk about their lives. I try too hard. I don't try hard enough. I guess I just feel like if I was doing it all right things would be going as I had hoped. I know this isn’t the way it all is but it just FEELS this way sometimes.
I want to be real about all of this and say that my whole life isn’t rubbish. I don’t feel that way. But there are parts of my life, at times, that weigh on me like a trillion pounds. And frankly I don’t think I’m strong enough to carry it sometimes.
My heart’s cry at this time in my life is simply this .... If what I feel in my heart isn’t God’s will for my life than I am begging him to change my heart. I am begging him to change my feelings.
You are seen my friend and a blessing to many!
ReplyDeleteI'm really glad you decided to post this blog instead of keeping it to yourself because it has helped me! I was just recently feeling this way alone, unimportant and away from God. But this post made me feel less alone, not that I'm happy you feel this way but glad that you shared it. It reminds me that I'm not alone and that God is here I only felt like he wasn't! And I had to realize and find him in my heart again! I'm Bethany by the way!
ReplyDelete