perfect?

when were we taught that only good is to be rewarded? when were we taught that the only way to get the prize was to do something exceptional or come to the end of the race perfectly?

maybe i wasn't taught that exactly, but when did i get brainwashed into thinking i had to be perfect and that the only way to get what i wanted was by being perfect?

when did i start thinking that only perfect behavior deserved love and admiration and anything less didn't?

why am i 28 years old and just now realizing i have these thoughts?

i've been thinking about myself a lot lately. selfishly. pridefully. yep.

during this thinking i realized that somewhere along the way i started to think that the only way i was going to receive from God the things i was praying for was to do everything perfectly. and then i started to realize that i will never be perfect and i think i started to question if i would ever get the things i desired. and the vicious cycle began.

also somewhere along the way i really did start to think that i needed to get myself "right" before i go to God. and then a huge gap opened up in my relationship with Him.

this gap causes gaps everywhere else. if i can't expect the Savior of the world to love me right where i am ... how do i expect people to love me right where i am?

by thinking i have to be perfect i am setting myself up for failure. big time.

my thinking is twisted.

and the question i keep asking myself is this, "do I believe that the only way I can be loved by someone is by pleasing them?"


tough stuff to wade through. but if i am going to grow and become the woman i know i am authentically ... then i have to get through it.

i don't know where i go from here but i do know that when i am weak, then HE is strong.

amen.