i don't really know where to start this post. i'm coming at it from a very honest place so i want to be sure my words come out correctly.
i would say emotionally my life has been full of crazy ups and downs. i seem to be one of those people who feels things really strongly one way or the other. i have my high high's and my low low's. i think this is a beautiful thing. really strong hurts yield to really strong love. i wouldn't change this for anything ... i just have to learn how to live through some of the feelings without giving up hope or allowing them to dictate my worth.
aside from emotional pain, i have been blessed beyond all belief. the Lord has ALWAYS come through and shown His grace and mercy on my life. i have had MANY victories.
i have so many prayers in my life right now. so many things i keep asking the Lord to fix or change or do. i want any pain i have to be gone. any struggles i have to be resolved. i want to have peace and live a smooth life. who wouldn't?
this morning i was sitting and thinking and trying to get a grip on my latest pain and i realized that what i really want is God to be real in my life. what i really want is for the Lord to be a constant in this heart of mine. i'm the only one who can let Him do that. He hasn't gone anywhere. if i lack in the area of faith and hope ... that is my own problem.
so as i sat today i asked the Lord to not answer any of my prayers. i asked Him to let my heart be broken and hurt so that i can believe in Him through the pain. if He releases me from the pain it will be easy to trust in Him and believe He is who He is. but i want to believe through the worst. i NEED this time to hurt so that i can find Him as the only thing that will never let me down.
so i'm praying for pain. i'm praying that out of this pain i find my faith again. i am praying i never doubt what the Lord is going to do or what He has already done. ultimately i would like for all of my desires to be fulfilled. i want to ask God for the BIG things. i want to see Him deliver them, but just not right now.
it feels so strange to pray that all of my needs not be met. but this is where i have to start. and where i am starting is right where i am. i ask you to pray with me as well.
i shared these thoughts with a friend today and they pointed me to this video. it is very fitting so i thought i would share it with you all.
http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/blog/hvpastor/?p=363
i would say emotionally my life has been full of crazy ups and downs. i seem to be one of those people who feels things really strongly one way or the other. i have my high high's and my low low's. i think this is a beautiful thing. really strong hurts yield to really strong love. i wouldn't change this for anything ... i just have to learn how to live through some of the feelings without giving up hope or allowing them to dictate my worth.
aside from emotional pain, i have been blessed beyond all belief. the Lord has ALWAYS come through and shown His grace and mercy on my life. i have had MANY victories.
i have so many prayers in my life right now. so many things i keep asking the Lord to fix or change or do. i want any pain i have to be gone. any struggles i have to be resolved. i want to have peace and live a smooth life. who wouldn't?
this morning i was sitting and thinking and trying to get a grip on my latest pain and i realized that what i really want is God to be real in my life. what i really want is for the Lord to be a constant in this heart of mine. i'm the only one who can let Him do that. He hasn't gone anywhere. if i lack in the area of faith and hope ... that is my own problem.
so as i sat today i asked the Lord to not answer any of my prayers. i asked Him to let my heart be broken and hurt so that i can believe in Him through the pain. if He releases me from the pain it will be easy to trust in Him and believe He is who He is. but i want to believe through the worst. i NEED this time to hurt so that i can find Him as the only thing that will never let me down.
so i'm praying for pain. i'm praying that out of this pain i find my faith again. i am praying i never doubt what the Lord is going to do or what He has already done. ultimately i would like for all of my desires to be fulfilled. i want to ask God for the BIG things. i want to see Him deliver them, but just not right now.
it feels so strange to pray that all of my needs not be met. but this is where i have to start. and where i am starting is right where i am. i ask you to pray with me as well.
i shared these thoughts with a friend today and they pointed me to this video. it is very fitting so i thought i would share it with you all.
http://hv.thevillagechurch.net/blog/hvpastor/?p=363
praising and glorifying God through it ALL.....amen and amen.....
ReplyDeletegoshh im in the same boat. I know exaclty how you feel. It sooo hard not to let pain dictate who you are...who God is. your hopes your dreams, hopes,future..so hard.
ReplyDelete