Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Praying The Wrong Prayer

If I remember correctly I was 16 when I turned 25. Don’t re-read that sentence, it says exactly what you think it says. I was 16 when I turned 25. What I mean was that I grew up before I was even old. I was always a little bit more mature for my age when I was younger. I don’t by any means mean that I was better than, or even more mature than, my friends … I just mean I grew up quickly. I always wanted what was next in my life before it was actually time to get to what was next.

When I was 10 I wanted to be 16. When I was 16 I wanted to be in college. When I was in college I wanted to have a job. Now that I have a job I want to be 70 and retired and drive around the country in an RV and visit the world’s largest rocking chair … see what I mean? It’s like I’m never satisfied with this day. I always have to be reaching for what is next.

So, the question is … is it wrong to wish for more? Is it wrong to hold the desire to be more, to have more, to love more? Should I suppress the desires of my heart in order to live a fuller more satisfied life right now? Do I ignore that awful pain that hits me in the chest and stomach when I think about the things I want? The answer at this very moment is, yes. You might say to never give up on my desires and to keep dreaming and I agree 100% with you, but when my desires rule my life I have to put them aside.

I’m just going to put it all out there … the older I get the more I want a husband. I want someone to share my home with, my heart with and my life with. I want someone to fight with and cry with and someone to take the trash out. I’m old enough now to know that he will not complete me. I know he will only be an addition to my life but I want him. I want children. I want beautiful little children. I want to kiss them and sing to them and watch them grown. I want them to scream and cry and poop all over the place. I want it badly. I see kids everywhere I go these days and wish they were mine to love and cuddle. They are not, and as it seems they will not be mine for awhile. I want money. I want to have enough money to live comfortably without the support of anyone else. I want to buy the things I need and save for the things I want. I want to give money to people who need it and not think a thing about it. I have questioned for so long when I would get these things. I have questioned why I wasn’t getting these things.

I’ve always considered these things the desires of my heart. I realized, only yesterday, that these are the desires of my flesh. I have been praying to the Lord to fulfill the desires of my flesh … masked by the illusion that these were the desires of my heart.

So if these things are of the flesh then what is of the heart? I knew the answer the minute I asked myself this question.

When I was in high school I went to school with the sweetest most precious girl. She was in a few of my classes and was seriously someone I wanted to be. She was quiet and kind. She was gracious and forgiving. She was never loud or crude. She was popular but loved the unpopular. She carried herself with grace and dignity. She was a true woman of character even as a teenager.

When I think about who I want to be inside of myself I think of her. I want to be kind to everyone I meet. I want to walk through a crowd with grace and confidence. I want to find joy and peace in my heart because of who the Lord is and what he has done and will do in my life. I want to never have my door closed off to the people who need it. I want to speak little and listen much. I don’t want to scrunch up my forehead because I am frustrated all the time. I want to extend grace when grace is asked for and even when it is not. I want to love people like they have never been loved before.

These are the REAL desires of my heart.

My prayer changed yesterday after a conversation with my mother. This conversation ended in me saying “I don’t want to talk about this anymore” when really … all I wanted to do was talk about it, but I knew my words were wrong because my heart was wrong.

The desires of my flesh will always be a part of me but they do not and will not control my character. I will begin to diligently pray for the true desires of my heart. When the good Lord decides my time here on earth is over, the desire of my heart is that people saw Him in me … my hands, my feet, my heart and my life.

While I am here may I be filled with joy and hope. Peace and love. Happiness and kindness and love for each one of you because below ALL the ugly things in my life is a heart that loves you, yes you, more than words can express.

Today I am 27 and today I want to be exactly where I am.