Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The Green Eyed Monster

If someone were to come up to me right now and tell me they were jealous of me I would probably fall out of my chair. More than likely I would say “YOU? Jealous of ME? Why, I was just looking at your cute dress and thinking that I was jealous of YOU!” It seems that the older I get the more my jealously of everything and everyone has started to show its ugly head.

I never considered myself the “jealous type” until about a year ago. I have no idea what clicked in me but I just started to get really jealous of people. Girls would look at the boy I had a crush on and I would get sick to my stomach. I was jealous because I knew he would like them more than me. Their hair was longer, they could sing better, they could dance, they could stand on their head and they probably made better bows with their shoelaces when they tied them than I did. Seriously, I was jealous of anything and everything.

This feeling hasn’t changed. I see boys I have a thing for looking at other girls and I think, “What can I do to look more like her?” I’ve even gone so far as to Google celebrities that I think guys like, to see if there are any similarities between myself and them at all. Most of the time I walk away only to realize that, no, there are none … I mean besides the fact that I have a head and eyes and a nose and mouth and some hair. But it isn’t the same beautiful head, eyes, nose, mouth and hair that “she” has. I walk away defeated … knowing I will never be a super model or movie star.

Why do I compare myself to others so often? Why can I not get comfortable in my own skin? I put on a pretty good front most of the time when it comes to this though. I cut my hair short and when people tell me how cute it is I talk about how I love it because it is “me”. I go on and on about how long hair just isn’t something that works on me and that I LOVE my short hair. Truth is, I’d sell my right arm to have long beautiful hair like Megan Fox or Kelly Rippa. I just don’t have the patience to grow it out beyond the “awkward” stage it always gets to a few months in.

So, I try to own this short hair cut and I pretend to be confident enough with it that when people look at me they see a petite little girl with short hair doing her thing. I have NO idea if I play it off or not, but I’m trying.

More than anything I’m just trying to figure out how to be me without trying to be everyone else. It’s so hard in this day and time to just be who we were made to be. It’s so hard to look in the mirror without tears streaming down our faces and say “Thank you God for making me exactly who I am. You made me perfectly in your image. You gave me this hair and nose and chin and smile. Thank you!” I try to say these things to myself in confidence, but most of the time I just do it with tears in my eyes in my most desperate moments in life.

I find myself telling me these things only when others are not telling me. I’m always looking for other people to affirm who I am. I want to know other people approve of my hair, my skin, my shoes, my nails, even my teeth. Apparently I am needy.

Now that you know how insecure I am … let’s talk about the fact that although insecure … I am strong! I am confident in the middle of my insecurities. I am powerful in my desire to change. I’m not stuck where I am. I am moving and trying to change. Were I to just give up in my insecurities then you could call me weak. I’d give you permission to call me sad and insecure, but I am not and will not be this way forever.

I’m trying harder than anyone you know to overcome the lies that Satan tells me about myself and who I “should” be. I have a long way to go, but I’m on the escalator and it’s on it’s way up. All my jealous thoughts and comparisons to others will not define me and will not hold me back from trying to get comfortable in my 27 year old skin.

I might always look at others and wish I had something they have. I might never love the way my nose looks or how my hair flips out in places I would like for it not to, but I will keep trying to be the best me that I can be despite what the world keeps telling me. Don’t let that green monster of jealously, or the cute boy who would rather date a movie star than you, ruin who you are and who God made you to be. Acknowledge their existence and keep on moving. There is no where to go from here but up!