when did you know you weren't living out your passion?

the last 3 days of my life have been some of the hardest i've had in a long time. it's no secret that about 1 year ago i went through one of the deepest depressions i've ever been in. i didn't eat. i could hardly sleep. i was miserable. i had dug myself into a big dark hole that i couldn't get out of. or so i thought. but through the help of some great people. a great program. and lots and lots of prayer i came out on the other side of that mess stronger and more confident than i ever thought i could be. 

so here i am. a year later. feeling some of the same things i felt then but with a completely different perspective. the perspective is that i will get out of this. that tomorrow is a new day. that every second could be the second that it all turns around. this isn't something i am stuck in. this is something that i am in control of. i won't stay here long but i will stay long enough to learn from it what i need to learn and see the things i need to see.

i'm learning something through the tears. i'm learning that i am not fulfilling God's plan for my life. i am learning that i am not living out my passion. God has planted in each of us passions that will drive us and that will define us. i work in an industry full of passion. some of my dearest friends are living their passions on a day to day basis by singing their songs and telling people about their lives. i am finding myself jealous of some people due to the fact that they are living out their passions and that that passion is attractive to others. i'm jealous that i'm not living my passions.

the question for myself now is what is my passion? what is it that God created me to do? let's make this a separate thing than what i my job is. i like my job. i'm good at my job. right now i'm talking about the things that i can do outside of, or incorporate into, my job. i am finding myself thinking that my home life is what i do outside of work when work should be what i do outside of my home life. there has to be a balance or i end up having weeks like i have this week. 

i know God has created me for more. i am starting to learn that one thing i absolutely adore is encouraging people. i could spend 24 hours a day telling the people that i see potential in or the people that i love how great they are. having suffered from low self esteem for so long i realize how vital it is for us to be honest with each other about how we see each other. we have to tell people how great they are so they can believe it sometimes. i don't know anyone who doesn't love encouragement. i've never been told to stop encouraging someone. we need it. we want it. and i am good at it. 

i love telling the truth about my feelings. i love just being open and honest about what my heart is saying or doing. i'm pretty straight forward about it for the most part but am finding it harder and harder to be honest because i always fear that people won't hear my heart right or will feel burdened by my honesty. we just need to learn to be honest with each other about our sadness about our happiness. just about our feelings in general. i'm still looking for that person who is and always will be the ear that wants to hear my honesty. my mother does this job perfectly but i'm still looking for my soul mate who will understand without me having to always say i'm sorry. i think i'm getting closer to finding them. 

so where does that leave me? a honest encourager? someone who loves to love people?someone who wants to make other people feel good about themselves? i know i feel strongly about all of these things ... so i'm not sure where that leaves me. i'm not sure where i go from here. 

i just want to live my passion. i want people to see that passion in me. my passion will look completely different than someone else's. i might not start a school or teach kids how to dance or sing but my passion is just as important as those. i know it is. 

i just have to believe it. and live it. and it has to start now.