my roommate moved out a little over a month ago and when she left she took a clock that was in our living room that belonged to her. for the 8 months that she lived here that clock was the primary time-keeper for me in that room. i could see it from anywhere so i looked at it all the time. she's been gone for over a month now and i still look at the spot where that clock was and keep thinking i am going to see it there. i look there for the time only to see that it is gone. i keep thinking any day now the habit of looking at that spot where it was will go away but for some reason i can't break the habit. i need to get a new clock i just haven't found the perfect one yet.
i find myself in a similar habit with my singleness. i keep looking at the same place in my heart everyday only to realize that what i am looking for still isn't there. i'm still single. there's a lot in my heart. a lot of really great things ... but that spot is still empty. it is a spot that i really want to be filled. it isn't a necessity in my life. it is just a want. i am, and have always been, confident that the Lord has his perfect time for everything and i am sure that when the time is right he will fill that spot and when i look there ... i will see his perfect hand on the man that he has planned for me. but as i have to wait until that day ... the spot seems to just get bigger and bigger. sometimes looking at it hurts. sometimes the loneliness and desire is so great that all i can do is cry.
don't get me wrong ... singleness is amazing. being independent is really an important thing in my life. i wouldn't trade it for anything, but the desire to love and be loved ... to be able to come home to someone ... to cook for someone ... to fight with someone ... to laugh and cry with someone ... to have someone to take home to meet my family ... to just have someone is something that i desire so greatly.
i am already prepared for those of you out there who are a little bit cynical about marriage or the marriage you have found yourself in and those of you who wish you were single ... and this blog isn't for you. it's just for me and for all the other girls and guys my age (or any age) that are single who know exactly what i am speaking about. i have so many friends who feel the same way and sometimes it's a comfort to know that other people feel the same way you do.
so be comforted friends that the desires of your heart are so normal. the urning for love and companionship are a gift from the Lord ... as much as it all hurts.
i just know that when i either meet the guy i am suppose to marry or i come face to face with someone i have known for years and we realize we were meant for each other ... that that day will be sweeter and more wonderful because of the waiting ... because of the loneliness. because i know that he will be the one that God designed perfectly for me when he created my being. there is only one person who is suppose to fill that space and my heart and he will be the perfect one.
beautiful.
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