Letter to God

Dear Lord,

See, here’s the thing. Satan knows my number. And I wish, for once that the things I know and feel and whisper to you with confidence were just between me and you. I wish he didn’t know those things too because once he knows them, he starts calling. And he won’t stop. And he leaves messages that tell me things about myself that are not true. He tells me things about you that aren’t true. And I just wish, for once the joy I have in you could just be between me and you so I could rest there for just a little while. To catch my breath and gain some strength and grow strong and kind. I wish I could stay in the bliss for long enough to never want to leave.

When he starts calling, I get angry. And he wants me to get angry because he knows I’ll get angry with you. Right as I begin to understand the peace of just resting in what you have for me. Right when I understand what it means to trust whatever you have for me. As I am speaking those things to my heart with joy on my face. Right when I get confident enough to start telling people about this joy, that’s when it happens. And the gap between us will get larger and more vast and I’ll start resenting the unanswered questions of my heart. See, yesterday morning, I was fine. I can go back through and see the prayers and the praise and the “thank yous” and that's when he knows he is losing his grip on me. And then he starts calling. 

And he calls and he tells me lies. And I’m trying to know the truth, but then I get confused about what the truth is. And I just don’t want him to know my number anymore. How can I be so strong in what we have that he can’t call anymore? And if he does, I can ignore it and move on. Sometimes when he leaves those messages with the lies I replay them over and over. I don’t know why I do that. I guess I am afraid there is some truth in them that I need to know. 

This place of replacing truth with lies is really harder than I thought. More painful than I thought. You would think doing something good would feel good, but it doesn’t always. It’s like stripping superglue off of your skin. It hurts. 

I know once it’s all said and done this process will be beautiful. I will be more equipped to be a light for your kingdom. More prepared to fight the battles. More prepared to love the people you have in my life. More prepared to be a better human. I want to be a safe place for people to land. A kind and honest home for people to dwell. But could you please just tell satan to stop calling me so I can move into those places? I just want to look more like you. 

I love you.
Krystal