happy 4th of july!

In the truest sense, freedom cannot be bestowed; it must be achieved.

-Franklin D. Roosevelt

will you stay?

i've had a few hard days. which makes me question so much about my life and things i could have done better. things i should have tried harder at. things i shouldn't have tried so hard at. things i shouldn't have said. thinks i should have said. and so on and so on. i find myself wondering if in my selfishness i have carved out a path for my life that is by my own doing and not the doing of my Creator.

but these thoughts are just my insecurities speaking. unfortunately i have insecure tendencies in my bones. i also have depressive tendencies. and sometimes when these forces combine i end up a mess. barely keeping my head above the water ... sometimes not even being able to do that.

i lose myself in situations. i find myself saying things i don't mean. feelings things i know i don't really feel and often times forcing my thoughts on those i love the most. thankfully, they always understand (or if they don't they pretend to). but as insecurities go, it's hard to not walk away from these situations wondering if you have wounded something so precious to you. it's hard to not questions if this time they are done with you. if this time they don't understand and don't WANT to understand anymore.

so as i reflect on mistakes and shortcomings. i pray for grace. i accept the grace the Lord has so willingly handed over to me and i pray the loves of my life can extend the same grace to me in my weakest moments.

so as you take the steps you need to fix yourself. i will do the same. i don't know what it all looks like but i know somewhere down the road it is beautiful and there is peace there. and i am there. and you are there. and we are there together.

will you stay with me until the end?

love after love

a friend read this to me today and i loved it so that i had to share. may you take away from it what you will ... and i will do the same:

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

-Derek Walcott

big world. small heart.

"in comparison with this big world, the human heart is only a small thing. though the world is so large, it is utterly unable to satisfy this tiny heart. our ever growing soul and its capacities can be satisfied only in the infinite God. as water is restless until it reaches its level, so the soul has no peace until it rests in God."

- sadhu sundar singh

it's okay

it's no secret that i struggle with God's plan for my life. i'm not being "debbie downer" i'm just being realistic about where i am right now. i always want more. i am never settled in my thoughts or heart and i think that is ok. i'm happy God isn't done with me yet cause i'm not ready to be done with. i'm growing and learning and that is just the reality of the place i am right now.

this place doesn't make me sad or depressed. it just makes me where i am. and right now that is here.

i read this thismorning and thought that it was great. and although sometimes i struggle to wrap my brain around it all, perhaps just saying these words outloud help me believe even more when faith seems so very far away ...

"i know i am secure in the place God has be today. He knows the rhythms of my spirit and my heart thougths. He is as close as breathing. i find peace and comfort in the truth that He knows and sees what i cannot know or see today."

fun weekend

in the last 2 weeks i have slept on a train and boat. which to me is too fun!

stayed the night with jennifer last night on the houseboat and loved it. never would have known i was on the water at all. ate some good food and watched "madea's family reunion" and hooted and hooted. i love a good laugh.

this morning we ate some breakfast and headed out wedding dress shopping for her (as if i needed to clarify that it wasn't for me). she found some beautiful dresses. i don't know how she will choose because they were all very beautiful. i tried on a million bridesmaid dresses. i realized i might have a few lbs. to lose before her wedding and austyn's. nice.

just to fill you in ... jennifer is my best friend here. she got engaged the night before i left for europe and the wedding is july 11th at blackberry farms in east tennessee. it is going to be perfect and beautiful and i cannot wait. i have loved seeing what the Lord has done in her life and in Asa's life since they began this journey together. what a wonderful testimony of patience and love. i am so happy, and feel so honored, that she would ask me to be her maid of honor. she is like my sister here and i just love her to pieces. she deserves everything that is happening in her life right now and i just hope i can help make this whole experience exactly what she wants it to be.

tonight i'm off to a baseball game to hang out with my peeps and enjoy some fellowship. i am sure it will be a good time with lots of laughter and probably frizzy hair. it's pretty humid here :)

kendy just called and said they just got back to Jackson from Switzerland. so happy they made it safely and it sounded like it was a great trip home. i'm glad to have everyone back in US time zones. :)

hope everyone has had a wonderful weekend so far.

final thoughts

final thoughts on europe:

1. it was much needed. it really gave me a fresh perspective. although it made me really think about things it was good. it's not easy to sort through thoughts and feelings and life but doing it somewhere away from the norm is a really great thing!

2. there is a lot of PDA in europe! A LOT! and most of it is gross!

3. being around people who don't speak english is freeing. you don't eavesdrop. you don't try to figure people out. you just are able to get away from it all and focus on yourself ... which we all need at times.

4. i realized i am stronger than i ever knew i was. physically and mentally. i made it through some times 2 years ago i would never have made it through. there was no anxiety or stress at all while there.

5. i have a wonderful life. i am blessed and favored. i want change and i am in the process of figuring out how to do that. it might be a long journey but i am on it. i have a feeling some of it is going to hurt really badly but it is needed.

so everyone needs to make plans to go to europe. do yourself a favor and go. it will change you. you can expect a lot of blogging from me to come. i think i have a lot to say. and i hope you can relate to it all in one way or another.

thanks to all of you for being in my life. you are loved and cherished!